Tranquilo

I had lots of invitations this past weekend and had to pass on all of them, even though i was tempted by several of the offers.

I still haven't figured out how to get one up on time. Wasting it seems to be no problem, whereas using it productively is still just out of my grasp. What gives?

It seems that the next week has managed to compress time in such a way that i am not sure if (as usual) i will have enough of it. In the next round of assignments/papers/midterms that are taking place in the next seven days, i have to get through with solid B's. That is going to be a stretch in a few cases. So let's hope cramming is an effective way to learn vast amounts of information. (I'm pretty sure it's not, but i'm really hoping it'll come through for me).

I'm turning the phone off and sticking my nose in books all week. No outings, no doob downs, no online poker games. Just politics and theorizing and conjugating.

I'm heading for el campo this weekend with my folks - i need to get out of the metropolis and let my head clear a little. Everything seems more rushed in the city. So out of the city I go. I can't wait.

If the board of health popped in on the Velvet Underground, i'm pretty sure i'd be evicted. I just can't justify leaving the books long enough to do the dishes. I think it's a sacrifice that might take place this evening.

Heaven help us all.

Back on Track?

I kind of freaked out over the past 48 hours. Time is so scarce that it catches up to me and plays games with my mind. I guess my tendencies towards paranoia do not help that kind of situation at all.

I go on these little missions of crash and burn where i turn into the DESTRUCTOR and wreak havoc in my own life. It's ridiculous and immature but it's an old habit that i am highly skilled at and it's a tough one to kick.

I have quit and re-quit smoking a million times in the past four weeks. It's a farce. An embarrassing farce. I have made some progress, but i have not accomplished the goal. Every day is a new day, but it seems like just a new day to fuck up.

Tomorrow i will hit the gym. That's what i said. Let's hope i actually do it.

This obssession i have with getting healthy (healthier - there's no need to be extreme here) has much to do with my mental state. My brain has come a long way in the past couple of years, but it has further to go. I need to work on getting along with people.

Things are not bad though, they are good. I cleared up some stuff that was bugging me and it removed a great weight that i never should have had in the first place.

I hate the feeling of derailing, and the only thing to do about it is to climb back on. And so here i go again, back in the races.

Love baby, love, and all good things will be yours.

Big Brother

Big Brother
Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

Frayed

I'm not going to work Tuesday nights after Christmas. It's killing me.

Today would be best spent under the covers, cut off from civilization. I stayed up too late, had to get up too early, haven't had a chance for coffee yet, am distraught about some bullshit, have homework to do and ONCE AGAIN Eastlink has gone FUCKED on me. I wouldn't even care about this latest complete and total failure of EASTLINK to provide a service that i pay quite a bit of money for, except that for once in my fucking life i am actually expecting an important email. And i can't contact the sender by phone. SO fuck YOU, Eastlink. Fuck YOU, moon phase. Fuck YOU, 9:30am class, FUCK.

Off the Wagon

Well, shit.

Sundays are usually productive but I managed to waste the day away. No biggie, really. Just means I can't sleep in tomorrow.

Feeling kinda ugh, but in a better mood than i was this morning.

Black

Despite a good night's sleep, I am cranky and disturbed. I hate it when Sundays turn out this way, it disgusts me. Talk about flip/flop... i can't decide if i am angry or guilty or what. Talking about it just sends me spinning in circles. Thinking about it hurts my head and tightens my throat. What is "it", even?

Am doubly disturbed because my email - my main source of connection to the people i connect with - is FUCKED. FUCKED. And Eastlink insists that it is not. FUCKERS.

Days like this are days when I yearn for a roommate.

Subtext

I spent another 11 hours at the ASS tonight. My knees hurt. I'm back there tomorrow at 7am, so i really should be in bed right now.

I have been in a better mood as a non-smoker.

I have a few problems, but i don't know what to do about them. So i'm just ignoring them. Not really cool, but who ever said i had the market cornered on cool?

Oh yeah, and the get rich scheme? Totally a scam. Oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained.

Much much much much work to do this weekend. Must focus.

What is Up

I have apparently so far saved the great sum of $4 by quitting smoking. That does not really make the past 3 days seem worth it for four lousy dollars, but okay, i will exercise some patience and watch the numbers grow.

I got a lot done today, now I just have to make that a daily habit and all will be well.

• Have necessary student loan forms (should now find letter from student loans and find out what to do with forms)
• Opened savings account (should now photocopy required documentation and send to bank)
• Applied for Cuba study tour. i really hope i get accepted to this. it's a 6 week program - 4 weeks are spent here in Hali being "briefed" (that word freaks me out) and then 2 weeks are spent in Havana going to universidad and talking to los cubanos about la vida.
• Returned library books.
• Did homework.
• Didn't smoke (really wanted to).

Man, that does not look like much, but I tell you it felt like a lot when i was running hither and yon all morning/afternoon.

A few exciting (?) things are brewing on the horizon too, including my "get rich" scheme, which launches into a new phase tomorrow, and hopefully by next week I'll be able to report that I am indeed rich (or at least on my way).

I have trouble determining a start and end point to my weeks. One day weekends just don't cut the mustard. Oh well, i have booked a week off work for Christmas. Just around the corner, innit?

Originally uploaded by c.e.s..

Come Together... Right Now

Things seem to be this close to working out the way i want them to be. I am giving myself until the end of this weekend to walk the line, but come monday, i'm putting myself into a zen state of organized time management, physical & mental health, and sound fiscal management. It's gonna be crazy!

I thought not working on Wednesdays was going to be awesome, but the opposite has proved true. Midweek kicks me in the ass hard and by this time, i am spent. I've got nothin' except for bags under my eyes. I am really looking forward to turning the alarm off tomorrow.

I have a few of marks back and am hovering between a B+ / A- average, however, there are a few things out there that i don't have much confidence in. Some major work is still required here, but i have a plan and that i actually do have confidence in.

In other good news, I have made the final step in the heirarchy at the ASS. That's right kids, off to the cash office i go. I just found out this means no increase in pay, more responsibility and longer hours, but overall i see this as a good thing. One positive aspect being that i can sit around on my ass a lot more.

The trip to france could be morphing into something bigger, if my plan to become rich off an internet scheme works out. I'm still keeping this one on the down low, until i know whether or not i have been duped. But i think i am going to become rich.

I am spending the day on sunday with Stacy in an altered state of consciousness. We are both giddy with excitement - this is long overdue.

Must hit the showers, but I'm looking for takers for Cuff the Duke & Matty Mays in November. Any takers?

Bad Guy

I am not a very good friend these days, and i am not sure how to break the cycle. The hours of the day when I have time to use the telephone usually take place between midnight and 2am. The rest of the hours of the day i am operating at breakneck speed just to keep myself together and am not doing the greatest job at that.

Dishes need to be done, laundry needs to be washed, garbage needs to be thrown out. Spanish needs to get learned, The Nuer needs to get read, and textbooks on assorted other topics are only adding to the clutter in the underground.

Because life requires money, i have been accepting pretty much any shift i am offered at work which results in days like today; eleven hours at the office.

Sleep is, as usual, an aside. I am starting to miss it.

I have piles of unreturned phone calls and emails, I'm tired of apologizing for being so unavailable, and i don't know what to do about it.